I have not been posting much at all lately, and this domain is up for renewal soon. I know I should decide if I would like to continue. I am really unsure what this blog brings to my life at the moment. I’ve also started a new job and have taken on part-time work as well.
The past 17 Years
Financially; caring for 2 sick kitties within this last year has been a challenge for me. Emotionally and financially it has been a drain. Blogging just has not been something I have felt the desire to do.
My cat Winston has been ill and I have been consumed with care and concern over him.
Cats have been part of my life for the past 17 years. Winston has been a diabetic for the past 8 years. Marty passed away in March of this year; unexpectedly, of cancer. All things must come to an end. It is simple to intellectualize the process I am in the middle of, however emotionally it is a difficult learning experience. These 2 kitties have been with me through some very formative years, starting in my 2nd year of university.
I was always an animal lover. I wanted to be a vet or zoologist when I was a child. I have always loved the outdoors and travel. I traveled briefly before I went to University and thought I would do much more upon graduation. I studied; among other things, Anthropology and romanticized a life of total cultural immersion. I idealized the experience of living in some far off land -experiencing the adventure of difference and excitement I was sure existed; and that I thought was part of my destiny.
I also found an interest in biomedical ethics and philosophy and medical anthropology while I was in university. I volunteered with several grass roots animal and environmental groups, spending time helping out at shelters for abandoned animals -mainly cats. Being the person I was at the time, I offered to become a “foster” parent for one of the many abandoned cats that needed a home until; ideally, they were adopted to a permanent home.
This is how it all began
It started with a kitten named “Buddy”. When the time came for him to go to his permanent home I handed him over with tears in my eyes knowing that no matter how painful it was to give him up, he had a good home. I decided to foster some animals as opposed to adopting them permanently, due to my position as a poor and transient student. This was my intellect speaking however my heart wanted to be more characteristically –impulsive
Winston came to us as foster parents, after Buddy. He was 1 year old and had lived as a feral cat all his life. He had been fed by a nice elderly couple until their own cat was hit by a car and they decided to move. That triggered Winston’s rescue arrival at my door. He was the first feral cat I’d tried to socialize, and the experience bonded me to him in a manner that made it impossible to give him up when a permanent home was found for him.
I notified the agencies I volunteered with that I could no longer foster since I had decided to adopt Winston. Then came Barney under dire circumstances, where I was told if I did not take him he had no hope and would have to be put down. This was likely very true and since I was young, passionate and impulsive I took him into my home as well.
That was the beginning of a bit of a loss of control and an emotional desperation that I could not ignore. After Barney came into my home I began to study animal health and nutrition and was lead down an intense learning path that changed my life. I studied this on my own due to the cyclical disease and illness rampant in animal shelters small and large. It was more the common treatments of these illnesses that piqued my curiosity, than the illnesses themselves.
Barney was an ill cat from early on in his domesticated life and it was through my research into his health issues and treatments that I ended up taking in other ill animals I thought I might be able to help –in order to render them more adoptable. Jewels and Max were 2 such cases. Both were then adopted into loving homes once they were well.
Then came Rowan and Martin -2 kittens with the same dire straights story; there was simply no one else to care for them, nowhere for them to go; with the added impetus that they were kittens and should be adopted soon.
Rowan and Martin were traumatized feral kittens and adoption was not in the cards for them. Rowan and Marten were too high strung and hid whenever someone came over to see them. Barney was not adoptable for a year due to his wild nature, upon which time he became an extremely friendly mushy kitty. Unfortunately he had health issues that turned all potential permanent homes away.
There I was. I just graduated university and I had become beholden to the very lives of several abandoned animals. There was a lot of adjustment in order to accommodate my commitments to these souls. I did not travel; I had no money, no savings. I formed my carrier around my obligations. I put off my life in many ways.
Eventually I moved to Toronto after undergoing a monumental process to have some of the cats I cared for taken permanently by my ex-boyfriend. He loved them as well, but always understood the commitment from the beginning and the impact it eventually would make. He took Rowan and Spugna and I took Barney, Martin and Winston with me to Toronto.
Barney’s medical condition required that I attend him closely. He required a lot of care and could not be left easily for me to get away. When Barney passed away Winston was almost immediately diagnosed with Diabetes requiring 2 insulin injections every day.
Spugna (Spoon-ya: Italian for sponge) was brought to me a damaged soul, mentally deficient and feral. She was a beautiful long haired black and white cat, but would never be adoptable. I was told she would only be left with me for a weekend and the agency that begged me to take her never took her back. Rowan and Spugna were eventually taken to the Montreal SPCA when my ex-boyfriend moved to Korea. It broke his heart to do it, but he felt he had no choice. I understand his decision. It was painful then and still is now, but I understand.
Winston is now in his last days. It is extremely sad for me as he has been a companion for 17years. We have shared many transitions and he has brought much joy to my life. He is a wonderful soul. I will miss him dearly. It has all been very difficult.
Hindsight is wonderful and painful
I am the product of an impulsive, stubborn, compassionate and passionate personality. If I could now offer my younger self some compassionate insight into the ramifications of my decisions. I could now, maybe, be of some use to a similar minded young woman embarking upon a similar adventure. I recognize the merciless impact of economic and social status on ideals. My young life decisions had an enormous impact on 17 years of my life. The difficulties were magnified by my economic status as a struggling student with no financial backup and family situation being from a small family with no support.
Aside from my personal situation, the whole experience opened me up to the societal and ethical issues which were inexorably connected to the situation I found myself in. The experience opened my mind to an examination and questioning of western medicine, veterinarian medicine, the place of companion animals in present day society, the throw away effects of our comodification of animals. I grew up.
These early life commitments changed my life. I feel a chapter is coming to an end; the effects of which will be with me the rest of my life. Do I have regrets? No. Am I upset at the realities that contributed to the situation the animals found themselves in? Yes.
I was young. I was swept into the desperateness that placed itself before me at a time in my life when I was idealistic, passionate and energetic. Another desperate situation may have taken me along a different path. No desperate situation would have taken me along yet another path. My impact on the desperate situation was miniscule in the scheme of things. I met countless others overcome with the responsibilities of the thousands of lives of abandoned animals they were trying to save. It was a sick sight to behold really.
I learned something important about myself. I have a sense of commitment and responsibility that is part of my core beliefs and moral code. I can be compassionate to a fault. I can accept that about myself and learn how to deal with that. No regrets. No regrets. No Regrets.
No Regrets.
this phrase is trivialized too much but it applies here: everything happens for a reason, and most times the reason is not apparent until much later.
my sincere and heartfelt sympathies on your dear pets.
There’s no date on this post but I hope things are geting better now.
Sam’s Mama, Kath
I have only just now read this post, after leaving my previous comment. Even after 17 years you must still be a young woman. Have you any idea what course your life might take, now?
We have a feral cat, Maya. We have had her for more than 10 years. She was trapped by my granddaughter’s daycare teacher. I had no idea then what feral meant! She is very independent. Lately she has become more affectionate and trusting. After all those years of loving treatment…I think she is getting old and like every old cat, appreciates affection more now. I also feed a feral cat who lives under our house. I believe she was born there, was taken a great distance away and then found her way back–but I can’t prove any of that. I only know a bunch of feral kitten were born under the house and we tried to befriend one of them, a female and a female that
resembles that kitten appeared in our back yard, stalking birds and eating the bread I threw out for the crows. The kittens were taken away by the woman who owned the mother; she collected cats. I am devoted to keeping that feral healthy, but as you say, it is a financial as well as a heart committment, and now that my cat Patchie has diabetes, we have a real struggle paying for all the catfood and the medications. The vet bills are outrageous! We are very good parents to our kitties, but I begin to wonder if we won’t be forced (after Maya and Patchie are gone) to give up our beloved pets, because of the cost.